Restored Hope Counseling Services is a Christian mental health counseling center providing therapy to individuals, couples, and families who are walking through emotional or difficult life experiences. We serve the Novi area of Michigan, including such cities as Northville, Plymouth, Canton, Livonia, Farmington, Farmington Hills, South Lyon, and Royal Oak. We focus on marital/couples therapy, sex addiction recovery, trauma and abuse recovery, infidelity, family therapy, group therapy, anxiety, and depression.
MASCOT Family Role
The family system is more important than any of its individual parts. At least that is the message that we continually get directly or indirectly growing up. It consists of the unconscious rules, roles, beliefs, feelings and behaviours collected through growing up.
Children have limited options in order to survive growing up in the family system, therefore have to adapt and conform. Part of the adaption is to fall into certain roles within the family system. Each role has its place and plays a vital part in keeping the illusion that the system is healthy and doing well.
The key as adults is to develop our awareness as to how these roles play out in our lives and present challenges. With awareness comes freedom and we are able to begin to explore healthy authentic ways in which to achieve the positive aspect of each of these roles. There are so many benefits from this as to the way in which our quality of life is greatly enhanced.
Some family roles are approved of by general society and some are not. The family Hero is often put on a pedestal and validated by society as a whole. This role brings respect and adoration to the family name.
On the healthy side of this role it can be wonderful to have success, achieve goals and realise dreams. When achievement is done from a functional space rather than needing the achievement itself to validate our worth then it is a really valuable role.
On the unhealthy side this role can bring terrible pressure and loneliness to succeed at all costs. The weight of expectation can be crushing, carrying sometimes unrealistic expectations and feeling worthless unless we are achieving. To the outside world this role can look very enticing however the consequences can be just as harmful as any other family role engaged in from an unhealthy space.
The caretaker role is about bringing enough care, concern and empathy into the family system. The mature expression of this is being a caregiver where we empower others through our support and nurture.
The mature side of scapegoat is the wondrous change agent or truth teller. The scapegoat role can be monumentally important in shifting a family system into greater health by addressing the previously ignored issues.
At the centre of a family system is the relationship of the parents. Healthy expression of this role is where we are emotionally present with others, good listeners, loyal, attentive and creating genuine intimacy in our relationships.
An example of this is where one member of the primary family relationship keeps consulting a third party on matters that are really only the business of the primary couple. The interfering father in law or mother in law syndrome.
The ability to stand independent of the family system and foster healthy support without conditional compliance is one of the great gifts of the lost child. The lost child prevents unhealthy enmeshing and violation of personal boundaries. It is the ability to be an individual within the family system.
The unhealthy expression of the Lost child is the person who is constantly over looked, rarely noticed or isolated. It can be that family member who never makes any appearances at family functions or disappears as soon as they can. The child who is constantly escaping into their room to disappear into the fantasy world of a book or game so as to avoid facing reality.
The elements that the lost child role brings to the family system are the following: Creativity, fantasy, autonomy, distinctiveness, privacy, self sufficiency.
I want to preface this article by saying that I know that labeling people doesnt usually feel good and often it isnt accurate. However, it can be useful in getting a general picture of the common dynamics in families dealing with addiction. Like anything else, please take the aspects of these family roles that apply to you and your family and leave the rest. Individuals and family systems are complex. In reality, people dont fall neatly into categories. You may have played more than one role at different times in your life or you may identify with a combination of these traits and coping strategies.
The most important takeaway that I hope to convey is that everyone in an addicted family is impacted by the addiction; everyone adopts coping strategies to deal with the stress of living with an addict and many of these coping strategies have lasting negative effects. In fact, these family dynamics persist even when the addict gets sober, dies, or leaves the family, and they are passed down generationally through modeling and family dynamics.
Family members have to walk on eggshells and quickly learn that the addict dictates the mood for the entire family. Family members dont have the opportunity to explore their own interests and feelings. Life is about keeping the peace, simply surviving, and trying to keep the family from imploding.
The hero is an overachiever, perfectionist, and extremely responsible. This child looks like he has it all together. He tries to bring esteem to the family through achieving and external validation. Hes hard working, serious, and wants to feel in control. Heroes put a lot of pressure on themselves, theyre highly stressed, often workaholics with Type A personalities.
The family scapegoat is blamed for all of the family problems. A scapegoat child acts out and temporarily distracts attention away from the problems of the addict. Hes rejected by his parents and doesnt fit in.
The lost child is largely invisible in the family. He doesnt get or seek attention. Hes quiet, isolated, and spends most of his time on solitary activities (such as TV, internet, books) and may escape into a fantasy world. He copes by flying under the radar.
No matter what role(s) you played in your dysfunctional family dynamics, its possible to overcome the effects of having an addicted parent and learn healthier coping strategies. Getting a clear and honest look at how your family of origin functioned is an important place to begin. Many adult children of alcoholics or addicts struggle with intimacy and trust in their romantic relationships and have difficulty expressing their feelings and loving themselves. I highly recommend working with a therapist who is experienced in working with adult children of alcoholics/addicts and codependency. There are also many excellent self-help books and groups available.
This rang truth to me and my childhood, except for a few spots. I am the youngest of three, and while my middle sister was the bad seed she was never the scapegoat. Because she was very gregarious and well liked by her friends and their families that their parents would just do the things our parents refused to do for her, so she managed to escape home alot. I was the lost child and scapegoat for my family. My sisters actually bonded with each other through tormenting me and my parents just watched it happen and never did anything to curtail the behavior. They didnt actively participate in it until I was older, but when I was a young child they permitted it to happen unregulated.
A dysfunctional family is one in which bad behavior, conflicts and frequently abuse and neglect by one or both of the parents happens regularly. Children of dysfunctional families most often grow up in these households thinking this is how every family is behind the doors of their family home.
It is normal in a dysfunctional family for there to be a relentless amount of criticism, little or no empathy and there is often neglect and abuse. Because of this it leaves all family members with no understanding of what a healthy boundary is for themselves, and consequently how to insist on and enforce one.
Treatment of one or more family members is not steady or fair. This could be due to such as gender, age, birth order, intelligence, abilities or their family role. It means that family rules and norms are inconsistent and confusing.
They are the one who takes on the duties and responsibilities of others in the family. They will be continually attempting to save other family members from the consequences of their words and actions.
Addiction professionals fully understand that addiction is a family disease, and the effects addiction has on family members are significant and can cause severe dysfunction in how a family communicates and interacts with each other. In order to cope with the unpredictable behaviors of the addict, each family member will adopt certain maladaptive patterns of behavior in order to cope with the addict.
For the family member who adopts the codependency role of hero in an addicted family, they feel they need to make the family look good and are high-achievers. The hero ignores the addiction problem and present things in a positive manner as if the roles within the family did not exist. The hero role in an addicted family is commonly assumed by the oldest child, and they will take on adult roles such as cleaning and cooking. If the addicted loved one in question is a parent, the hero will take on the role of caretaker. While the hero seemingly has their act straight, they feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame and may develop workaholic tendencies if they continue to assume this role. 2ff7e9595c
Comments